Get Back on the Tracks

This past Sunday, my pastor, Pastor Phil said this, "when the train comes off the tracks you need to stop everything and get it back on, no matter what the cost." And then a story I've heard my whole life came to full color...

My dad used to work for a railroad company that was local and had a few engines.  As you know, usually trains run smoothly and you only really hear about them when that is not the case. The day of this story, that was the situation. Someone had put something on the tracks that caused their engine to derail as it was crossing over I-95. Can you imagine a more worst case scenario? It is one thing for your train to derail in a field or somewhere where there aren't people, it's a completely different thing for your train to derail over one of the most trafficked interstates on the East coast. 

What do you do!? You call a very very very expensive company that is trained for these kinds of emergencies (haha train pun). They're expensive because they get in, they fix the problem quickly, and they get out.

This is the image that came to mind when Pastor Phil made that statement. It hit me like a night train, we all become derailed at some point. But instead of seeking help, we just kind of stay there for a while wallowing unless, as this incident was, it is a public ordeal. We hope that somehow we'll just get back on the tracks and maybe no one will see or judge us. But how can we do that without any help?

What we really need are the experts, we need a willingness and desperation to pay the price to get back on the tracks quickly. As we sit there hanging off, we could be putting other people in danger. We aren't functioning the way we were designed to. We were made to move but the train can't move when it is off the tracks. 

I think it is important to find that emergency company and be ready to call them when the accident happens. These companies, and these people need to exist in our lives because we are going to become derailed. It isn't a matter of if, but when. It's just part of life, but that doesn't have to be the end of the story and hopefully it doesn't have to be an extended part of the story if we deal with our derailments quickly.

Life Break- Up

Currently I am trying to go through things in my house and major purge so that I am ready for whatever this next season of life has. It feels like the verse in Hebrews 12:1 where you need to throw off the things that hold you back. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,"

And I wrote this down, because it's what it feels like:

I can no longer hold on to the dreams I wanted, imagined, and thought my life would look like if I'm stepping into something new and wild!

Go All In....

I feel like my life is a poker game right now. When I was out of college and looking for jobs, I did not want to join the poker game that everyone else was playing. I looked elsewhere, but  none of those doors opened, and I was forced to enter the game. I didn't want to enter the game, but I needed to in order to survive. And to survive within the game, you learn how to play. 

In playing you start getting some wins, and earning some chips. You develop strategy. You figure out budgeting, insurance, retirement, home-ownership, renting, mortgages, etc. You are playing the game, you are building up your chips, and you know what to expect. You are building up your illusion of stability and security. You know the path to go from table to table, how to climb the ladder. It is clear and while it may not be easy, it at least seems to make sense.

That is where I find myself. At ease with a game I never really wanted to play, but I have made peace with what it affords me. I know what to expect, I know the basics of what advancing looks like. But then God comes in and says something crazy like, "Go all in.". Excuse me? Don't you realize how long it has taken me (me because I am looking at it as my own journey I have struggled through on my own and negate all He has done to get me here) to build this up!? To put it all in, I could lose everything. I have no guarantee what will come out on the other side and I have learned to play this game conservatively. I never put too much at risk so that there is safety and a future. And now you say, go all in? 

But the issue is not that He wants me to go all in, that is not the issue at all. The real issue is the question "do you trust me?" 'Do you trust me more than all those little chips you have built up? Chips that I have been the ultimate provider of all this time. Chips that you have claimed credit for. Chips that I could snatch away at any instant.' No, the issue is not going all in, the issue is that I do not trust you to be able to give me something greater than what the chips represent.

Ugh, saying it sounds so absurd and so disgusting. I hate it- I never wanted to be in the game, and now I don't want to leave it?! What is this? Mark 10:21-22 says this, "Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property." He couldn't go all in. 

I do not want my legacy to be one that held onto my chips and stayed in a game I never wanted to play when I could have let them go for a greater treasure and love. And yet, for me to let go feels so difficult. I hope and pray for eyes to see the full picture, and not stay stuck on my table and only the cards and chips in front of me.

And I included this song because I like it and it was there with me.

Gamblin' Town by Gone West

Get the Truck...

If I am being honest, I feel like I always enjoy leaving my options open and having one foot out the door. I am torn between a desire for stability and untethered freedom. When it comes to organizational commitments of more than a year or so, that seems restrictive. I have said no to things with three year commitments because I thought I might be long gone by then. Yet it has been eight years of being in the same place now with that mentality. 

So about two years ago, I felt God saying, stop always looking for the way out, and put down some roots. Settle a bit. Get involved in things and commit some time- give it five years. I needed the idea of giving it a certain period of time to settle those mental blocks, and two years in I can see how healthy it is to really put down some roots and get involved in things. Even if for only a short time. Going through cycles and ups and downs is healthy and it is the real world.

But now this thing has happened, and it has not been five years but I am feeling the pull that it actually might be time to go. It is quite different from the previous avoidance maneuvers to keep my options open as I now have places, people, and events I enjoy and do not want to leave. The pandemic has helped bring those things to good breaking points in a lot of ways though.

The perfect image of this process was presented by my neighbor the other day. He recently had to pull some bushes out in the front yard and saw a fellow neighbor struggling to do the same thing. If you know anything about bushes and growing them- you plant them so their roots can get established. Once those are established, assuming you picked an appropriate plant for your climate and location, the bush will grow and flourish. With some occasional pruning and watering as needed, etc. It will be hard to take out because it locks itself into the ground and grows large. However, it is really easy to remove a plant whose roots are not well established. There is nothing tying it down and it has not grown much. 

Now that my roots are established, leaving and the idea of being pulled from this ground seems exciting but more so terrifying and painful. What my neighbor says is you can't just pull it up anymore, you are going to need a shovel, a chain, and a four-wheel drive vehicle. You dig at the front of the bush with a shovel so there is space for it to move when you tie the chain around it and pull forward with the truck. For a plant you want to get rid of, cool, that sounds great and easy enough. But with that analogy of being uprooted to live on, it seems quite jolting. 

The cool thing is, in being planted and actually rooting, I have grown just like a bush does. I am more mature than I was. To trust the ultimate gardener as to where I need to be now to flourish and trust the uprooting process is a completely new journey. The pain seems scary but I am going to trust the one with the shovel, chain, and truck.

I want to add that sometimes you need to grow before its time to move. You need to be planted and grow in the skills and abilities you will need for when you are moved. It is a process because you need one before the other, so you need to be planted in order to be moved and replanted.