I feel like my life is a poker game right now. When I was out of college and looking for jobs, I did not want to join the poker game that everyone else was playing. I looked elsewhere, but none of those doors opened, and I was forced to enter the game. I didn't want to enter the game, but I needed to in order to survive. And to survive within the game, you learn how to play.
In playing you start getting some wins, and earning some chips. You develop strategy. You figure out budgeting, insurance, retirement, home-ownership, renting, mortgages, etc. You are playing the game, you are building up your chips, and you know what to expect. You are building up your illusion of stability and security. You know the path to go from table to table, how to climb the ladder. It is clear and while it may not be easy, it at least seems to make sense.
That is where I find myself. At ease with a game I never really wanted to play, but I have made peace with what it affords me. I know what to expect, I know the basics of what advancing looks like. But then God comes in and says something crazy like, "Go all in.". Excuse me? Don't you realize how long it has taken me (me because I am looking at it as my own journey I have struggled through on my own and negate all He has done to get me here) to build this up!? To put it all in, I could lose everything. I have no guarantee what will come out on the other side and I have learned to play this game conservatively. I never put too much at risk so that there is safety and a future. And now you say, go all in?
But the issue is not that He wants me to go all in, that is not the issue at all. The real issue is the question "do you trust me?" 'Do you trust me more than all those little chips you have built up? Chips that I have been the ultimate provider of all this time. Chips that you have claimed credit for. Chips that I could snatch away at any instant.' No, the issue is not going all in, the issue is that I do not trust you to be able to give me something greater than what the chips represent.
Ugh, saying it sounds so absurd and so disgusting. I hate it- I never wanted to be in the game, and now I don't want to leave it?! What is this? Mark 10:21-22 says this, "Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property." He couldn't go all in.
I do not want my legacy to be one that held onto my chips and stayed in a game I never wanted to play when I could have let them go for a greater treasure and love. And yet, for me to let go feels so difficult. I hope and pray for eyes to see the full picture, and not stay stuck on my table and only the cards and chips in front of me.
And I included this song because I like it and it was there with me.
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