2020.

As I spend this last day of 2020 reflecting, these are some words I would say defined it:

Nature

Outside

Pandemic

Prayer

Water

Slow down

Invest

Hiking boot

Bike

Filter

Friends

Death

Refine

Dunkin

Monarch Butterfly

Eat local

Physical Distance

Mask

Mute

Intentional

Love

Learn

Release

Confidence

Home

Alone

Beautiful

Cry

Squirrel

Community

Heartbreak

Lament

Simplify

Future

Provision

Abundance

Sparkle

Control

Merry Christmas

With everything that has happened in 2020, it is the year I feel most drawn to the gift that is Jesus' arrival. It has felt like a year long advent, remaining in hope through loss and brokenness for Jesus' arrival. I have spent Christmas morning listening to the song 'Arrival' by Hillsong on repeat. 

It's a year I care very little about the gifts I am giving or receiving, but about the deeper longing of a hurting heart that aches for the sorrow and brokenness surrounding it. It's been a year of seeing so much loss and so much selfish human depravity in the face of being given opportunities to love and serve neighbors. A year of seeing people argue over so many things. And it makes me even more aware of the perfection of the gift that was given to humanity on Christmas that we certainly did not deserve. The more broken I see our world is, the crazier it is for the God of the universe to send his most precious possession into, knowing our hearts and what would happen. I would not want to send my beloved child into this hot mess.

But the darker our world seems, the brighter the light and hope of Jesus shines. It's been a year where humanity looks terrible but it's also been a year where we have been able to see the kindness and generosity of others even more brightly. 

Merry Christmas!

"Oh come now hail His arrival

The God of creation

Royalty robed in the flesh He created

Jesus the maker has made Himself known

All hail the infinite infant God

The One who had no start and knows no end

Became confined in time and tense

The Everlasting God

The Great I Am

In the mercy of a mother's hands"

Bethlehem Star

I was able to see the alignment of Saturn and Jupiter yesterday forming the "Bethlehem star"! It was best on Monday, but it was cloudy here unfortunately. So yesterday they were slightly separated but I could still see them low in the sky. Mind you, this wasn't the original Bethlehem star. That had a couple other astrological alignments as well when Jesus was born.

I just imagine the magi who saw that and knew what it meant. People who knew before news, before texting, before apps that tell you what stars in the sky are... God reached them in their language, the night sky. He spoke to people who knew the significance of that specific alignment and did not need any additional confirmation in order to pack up exorbitant gifts and set out on a journey to find the king it signified. To people who found and worshipped the child when they arrived. To people who only needed confirmation from a dream to once again change their plans. 

They were looking. They were ready and willing to go. They were willing to change course and trust, based on the stars, a dream, and God. Meanwhile I need like eight forms of research confirmation just to buy a tv. What trust, what faith. 

It blows my mind that when God created everything, he set the rotation of planets and stars, he set the tilt of the Earth, of so much I don't understand to come together at a specific time to speak a message to a specific people. What an orchestra- each part coming together perfectly for the beautifully unfolding masterpiece. 

How amazing to have a God that set things into motion thousands of years ago to speak to one person at a specific time and place. How loved and seen that makes me feel. 

Squirrel Scarcity Mindset

Lately I have had a love-hate relationship with my beloved backyard squirrels. It's really all one-sided, they have no idea what's going on. I think they are hilarious. They have made me laugh so many times. They also drive me crazy because they just don't understand our agreement.  The squirrels can have the food that falls on the ground, but the suet feeder and bird feeder are for the birds. 

This results in a ritual they seem to think is a game, but I am quite serious about. I knock on the window, they hear me but ignore the threat, I then have to go outside, they look at me unphased and keep eating, I have to run to chase them away, they half- climb a tree and see if I'll get any closer. The game goes a few different directions from there depending on how many times I've already chased them that day. Yes, I've put grease on the pole, I've sprayed it with coconut oil, I've tried. One squirrel even showed such disrespect as to lick the grease off! 

But I also love them. I've given them some different ground food items and it is the greatest social experiment. It has taught me so much about myself as I watch these little guys chase away one another from their food haul. As if they did anything besides show up and find free food... Absurd. I put two whole apples that had started going bad out there the other day. Seeing them climbing around with this huge thing in their mouth so they don't have to share was a delight. I also accidentally richoted a piece of bread right into ones face. Squirrel was temporarily stunned but then intent on carrying a piece of bread the size of it's body to wherever it could. 

But man oh man, watching them chase the others away from their free ground seed... My word.  Conviction. I feel like I'm so much like those little guys. "Hey, this is mine, back off!" I did nothing to deserve it and where it comes from is a God who would continue to provide and pour out even more. But instead of sharing, I just hoard and chase away with a scarcity mindset. 

A squirrel scarcity mindset instead of an abundant God mindset. I sit here knowing I have more seed to feed, but they cannot possibly risk sharing. And I know God is the same. If I pour out and give, he will pour back in even more adundantly. 

(squirrel with entire apple for your viewing pleasure)

Festival of Lights

Tonight is the start of Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights. The festival celebrates the rededication of the second temple in Jerusalem from before the time of Jesus' birth. I love that it occurs during the season of advent, where we are in a time of 'darkness' as we remember the people waiting for the arrival of Jesus the first time, and as we wait for his return now. In a year that has felt so dark, I have been noticing areas and things that bring light. I also love that the festival occurs in early December when we are approaching the longest day of darkness here in the northern hemisphere. 

What the light has shown me this year is what Jesus taught- the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it. What is true is that it can be really dark, like in Mammoth cave turn out the lights pitch blackness, but the smallest amount of light can change that. Our eyes adjust to the amount of light, not the amount of dark. Darkness is not its own thing, it is simply the absence of light. And the darker it is, the brighter the light appears. 

The darkness does not overcome the light, the only way to make a place dark is remove light. In John 8:12 Jesus says, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” As we await Christmas and the celebration of Jesus' first arrival as a human to earth, let us not forget to follow him and have the light we need in these dark times. I am grateful for the earthly understanding of light so that we can understand the spiritual realm of light and darkness. The festival of lights being celebrated now is leading up to the coming of the true light of the world. 

#Advent #FestivalOfLights

What the flip?

 Matthew 21:12-13 "Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. “It is written,” he said to them, “‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it ‘a den of robbers.’”

These money changers and salesmen were taking advantage of the law and his people to line their own pockets. When the travelers arrived, they had to change their money for temple coins. In the exchange the money changers would steal from them. By law they had to offer sacrifices, and because many travelled long distances they would buy them at the temple. They would use the temple coins to purchase their sacrifices, which they would also overcharge the people for. They were robbing his people in God's temple as they were obeying the law. 

Jesus was angry but did not sin in his anger. I want to learn from him, because I am angry. What does it look like to have just anger and not let your flesh have control? Breathing? Calming down? I don't want to be a slave to my emotions and my flesh, responding how I feel. I want to respond how I should fully trusting God and his promises. 

In order to drive legally we all have to have insurance. But dealing with insurance companies has been a nightmare for me. When you were hit by their client and they try to avoid blame in order to line their pockets makes my blood boil. Or when the person at fault tries to avoid blame for their wrong-doing, so much frustration. What the flip-those-tables? To no extent like the righteous anger Jesus felt, but still I find myself crying out for truth and justice to prevail. For the wicked who rob to be thwarted. For those who do wrong to accept fault for what they have done. 

I am sorry for all the people out there who have been screwed over. I am sorry for the feelings of anxiety it brings up in you knowing you have to deal with certain companies when new incidents arise. It encourages me that Jesus was mad at this injustice and says he will make all things right in the end.

Happy 2020 Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! In the midst of one of the craziest years with loss, suffering, inequality, isolation, injustice, etc it blows my mind that I am more in tune with all I have to be grateful for than usual. Is it because in the slowing down of life that has happened, I have had more time to reflect on what I am blessed with? Is it because as I see how depraved and broken this world is, my understanding of the depth of God's love, grace, and mercy abounds even more so? Is it because in it all, I have been able to embrace what little control (if any I have) as I spent this week praying for good weather in order to be able to even be able to celebrate with family outside?  Probably some combination of all of the above...

I cannot control the weather, but God can. I cannot control how other people choose to act in light of a pandemic, I can only be responsible for how I live. That is what I will be held accountable for before God. I can start and end each day in reflection and prayer with God. I can develop healthy rhythms of being in tune with not only my physical self, but also my emotional and spiritual self. I can learn about the brokenness the made-up construct of race has caused in our country and still continues to cause and lament the pain that still ensues. I can love and support the alien in my life and in this world, but ultimately trust that all that is unresolved will be restored in the redemption of the world by God. He cares. I can do a deep dive into World War 2 and be broken at the atrocities and hardship of war, and be broken for the pain it causes and amazed that we as a people keep going.

I can also see the good that people are capable of and doing in the midst of it all. The gratitude for first-line responders that poured out from so many people and cities. All the donations to support families and people in need. People showing their love for others by willing to do something as simple as wear a mask to protect those they are around. Neighbors picking up items from the store for those who are more vulnerable. Being amazed by the simultaneous complexity and simplicity and beauty of nature since other places are closed. Seeing the church be the church and not a building. Being amazed at the resiliency of sweet children who are way more flexible than some of us are who have become set in our routines.

The verse I have been reflecting on is Mark 4:19 which warns "not be concerned with the cares of this world". To determine what the cares of this world are, I first need to look to heaven what this world restored looks like to see what I will no longer have to care about. 

Health, our bodies will be restored and there will not be sickness of disease...

Money, there will be no need, God's abundance will lack nothing and all we need to do is ask...

Home, there is already a room waiting for me...

Death, for there will be none...

Loneliness and Rejection, we will be with Jesus forever and it won't exist...

I look at this list that Mark tells me not to care about and realize that the pandemic has made us very focussed on those things most of the time. What does it look like to make the jump of trust- letting go of our control in these areas to fully trusting that we don't need to worry and strive? I think it looks a lot like gratitude and being thankful, so enjoy this day we have to reflect on just that.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

It came in like a wrecking ball

I have been reading "Hinds' Feet on High Places Devotional" by Hannah Hurnard and Darien B. Cooper. It is one of my favorites! It is a beautifully told allegory of our walk coming to faith as believers, personifying the journey in some really unique ways and characters. I relate so much to the main character 'Much Afraid' as she is on her journey. 

One little statement from a reflection page has really been working on me. It says, "God loved you before He called heaven and earth into existence." And that little statement wrecks everything. 

He loved me before I did. He loved me before I was. Before I ever succeeded or failed at anything. Before I made that huge mistake. Before I scored perfectly on that test. Before that terrible decision. Before I had faith. Before my body was formed. Before I took a breath. Before I took a step. Before I (fill in the blank of everything I look to in order to qualify me or that I use to disqualify myself of his love). 

When I really let that sink in, what that does is help me to release control.

Because there is nothing that I can do, am doing, or have done that made him love me or will make him love me less. There is nothing I am, was, or will be that made him love me or will make him love me less. He already loved me before I even knew me.

If i truly live in the truth of that, I live fully submitted to him and not tied to the things here. I have always been loved and will always be loved.

Thirst Tweets

John 4:4-26 is the story of Jesus interacting with the Samaritan woman by Jacob's well. This story has kept coming to my mind in recent weeks, but today I actually took the time to open it up and read it. What really struck me was verses 13-14 which say, "Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” I am sure I have read or heard that verse many times, but it really resonated in a new way today. 

I think it is a result of being more aware of my feelings of loneliness recently. For the most part, they have not been that bad and it has been pretty good for me to sit in them and realize God's presence is always with me. But there are times when they can feel overwhelming and I find in myself this almost frantic attempt to try and fill them somehow. I am coming from a place of desperation and trying to find something to quench the feeling I am experiencing, whether I am aware of it or not. 

For me that really resonates with what Jesus says about thirst. He describes two kinds of thirst- physical thirst and spiritual thirst. We all understand physical thirst, we need liquid to survive and our body craves that. Literally that is why both of them are at the well; to get a drink. Physical thirst is something we can be acutely aware of all our days this side of death. What Jesus describes to her is a thirst that can only be quenched by him, the living water. It is a spiritual thirst that manifests itself in different ways including emotional and relational (for her, a trail of ex-husbands and lovers). However, when we drink of Jesus, the living water, we no longer thirst, in fact we become a well for others which helps satisfy them in their thirst.

The New York Times defines the slang use of the word thirst tweet as, "a tweet where somebody thirsts over another person or, in other words, compliments them in a way that suggests that they have absolutely zero chill." I would say this defines a way to see when I am not living quenched by the living water of Jesus. When I see myself acting desperately in need of another person's attention, approval, etc. it is because my spirit is thirsty. As Jesus says, with him there is no reason for it to ever thirst again, but I for some reason have stopped drinking of the water that is freely available.

When I am spiritually quenched there flows out of me so much love, just like a fresh spring. I promise you it is not of me. On days where I am not "thirsty" I can run and pass people and pray for their best, for healing in relationships, and be filled with compassion. On days where I am thirsty, I can be haughty and get easily annoyed when people don't pay me any attention. 

What I am taking from this is a quick way to see my own health, am I thirsting for something from someone or something that cannot quench? Or is there a spring of water flowing out of me that quenches others?

Get Back on the Tracks

This past Sunday, my pastor, Pastor Phil said this, "when the train comes off the tracks you need to stop everything and get it back on, no matter what the cost." And then a story I've heard my whole life came to full color...

My dad used to work for a railroad company that was local and had a few engines.  As you know, usually trains run smoothly and you only really hear about them when that is not the case. The day of this story, that was the situation. Someone had put something on the tracks that caused their engine to derail as it was crossing over I-95. Can you imagine a more worst case scenario? It is one thing for your train to derail in a field or somewhere where there aren't people, it's a completely different thing for your train to derail over one of the most trafficked interstates on the East coast. 

What do you do!? You call a very very very expensive company that is trained for these kinds of emergencies (haha train pun). They're expensive because they get in, they fix the problem quickly, and they get out.

This is the image that came to mind when Pastor Phil made that statement. It hit me like a night train, we all become derailed at some point. But instead of seeking help, we just kind of stay there for a while wallowing unless, as this incident was, it is a public ordeal. We hope that somehow we'll just get back on the tracks and maybe no one will see or judge us. But how can we do that without any help?

What we really need are the experts, we need a willingness and desperation to pay the price to get back on the tracks quickly. As we sit there hanging off, we could be putting other people in danger. We aren't functioning the way we were designed to. We were made to move but the train can't move when it is off the tracks. 

I think it is important to find that emergency company and be ready to call them when the accident happens. These companies, and these people need to exist in our lives because we are going to become derailed. It isn't a matter of if, but when. It's just part of life, but that doesn't have to be the end of the story and hopefully it doesn't have to be an extended part of the story if we deal with our derailments quickly.

Life Break- Up

Currently I am trying to go through things in my house and major purge so that I am ready for whatever this next season of life has. It feels like the verse in Hebrews 12:1 where you need to throw off the things that hold you back. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,"

And I wrote this down, because it's what it feels like:

I can no longer hold on to the dreams I wanted, imagined, and thought my life would look like if I'm stepping into something new and wild!

Go All In....

I feel like my life is a poker game right now. When I was out of college and looking for jobs, I did not want to join the poker game that everyone else was playing. I looked elsewhere, but  none of those doors opened, and I was forced to enter the game. I didn't want to enter the game, but I needed to in order to survive. And to survive within the game, you learn how to play. 

In playing you start getting some wins, and earning some chips. You develop strategy. You figure out budgeting, insurance, retirement, home-ownership, renting, mortgages, etc. You are playing the game, you are building up your chips, and you know what to expect. You are building up your illusion of stability and security. You know the path to go from table to table, how to climb the ladder. It is clear and while it may not be easy, it at least seems to make sense.

That is where I find myself. At ease with a game I never really wanted to play, but I have made peace with what it affords me. I know what to expect, I know the basics of what advancing looks like. But then God comes in and says something crazy like, "Go all in.". Excuse me? Don't you realize how long it has taken me (me because I am looking at it as my own journey I have struggled through on my own and negate all He has done to get me here) to build this up!? To put it all in, I could lose everything. I have no guarantee what will come out on the other side and I have learned to play this game conservatively. I never put too much at risk so that there is safety and a future. And now you say, go all in? 

But the issue is not that He wants me to go all in, that is not the issue at all. The real issue is the question "do you trust me?" 'Do you trust me more than all those little chips you have built up? Chips that I have been the ultimate provider of all this time. Chips that you have claimed credit for. Chips that I could snatch away at any instant.' No, the issue is not going all in, the issue is that I do not trust you to be able to give me something greater than what the chips represent.

Ugh, saying it sounds so absurd and so disgusting. I hate it- I never wanted to be in the game, and now I don't want to leave it?! What is this? Mark 10:21-22 says this, "Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property." He couldn't go all in. 

I do not want my legacy to be one that held onto my chips and stayed in a game I never wanted to play when I could have let them go for a greater treasure and love. And yet, for me to let go feels so difficult. I hope and pray for eyes to see the full picture, and not stay stuck on my table and only the cards and chips in front of me.

And I included this song because I like it and it was there with me.

Gamblin' Town by Gone West

Get the Truck...

If I am being honest, I feel like I always enjoy leaving my options open and having one foot out the door. I am torn between a desire for stability and untethered freedom. When it comes to organizational commitments of more than a year or so, that seems restrictive. I have said no to things with three year commitments because I thought I might be long gone by then. Yet it has been eight years of being in the same place now with that mentality. 

So about two years ago, I felt God saying, stop always looking for the way out, and put down some roots. Settle a bit. Get involved in things and commit some time- give it five years. I needed the idea of giving it a certain period of time to settle those mental blocks, and two years in I can see how healthy it is to really put down some roots and get involved in things. Even if for only a short time. Going through cycles and ups and downs is healthy and it is the real world.

But now this thing has happened, and it has not been five years but I am feeling the pull that it actually might be time to go. It is quite different from the previous avoidance maneuvers to keep my options open as I now have places, people, and events I enjoy and do not want to leave. The pandemic has helped bring those things to good breaking points in a lot of ways though.

The perfect image of this process was presented by my neighbor the other day. He recently had to pull some bushes out in the front yard and saw a fellow neighbor struggling to do the same thing. If you know anything about bushes and growing them- you plant them so their roots can get established. Once those are established, assuming you picked an appropriate plant for your climate and location, the bush will grow and flourish. With some occasional pruning and watering as needed, etc. It will be hard to take out because it locks itself into the ground and grows large. However, it is really easy to remove a plant whose roots are not well established. There is nothing tying it down and it has not grown much. 

Now that my roots are established, leaving and the idea of being pulled from this ground seems exciting but more so terrifying and painful. What my neighbor says is you can't just pull it up anymore, you are going to need a shovel, a chain, and a four-wheel drive vehicle. You dig at the front of the bush with a shovel so there is space for it to move when you tie the chain around it and pull forward with the truck. For a plant you want to get rid of, cool, that sounds great and easy enough. But with that analogy of being uprooted to live on, it seems quite jolting. 

The cool thing is, in being planted and actually rooting, I have grown just like a bush does. I am more mature than I was. To trust the ultimate gardener as to where I need to be now to flourish and trust the uprooting process is a completely new journey. The pain seems scary but I am going to trust the one with the shovel, chain, and truck.

I want to add that sometimes you need to grow before its time to move. You need to be planted and grow in the skills and abilities you will need for when you are moved. It is a process because you need one before the other, so you need to be planted in order to be moved and replanted.

Skylite!

Where I live we have these tasty summer treats called snowballs. They are not snow cones, they are snowballs. There are little shed type stands open in spring and close in fall all over town. You go to get your crushed up ice with choice of flavor and the amazing marshmallow topping. 

Growing up my family would always stop by the snowball stand on Friday evenings coming home from piano lessons. Occasionally there was a variation in what my dad might order, but usually the order was three spearmints and one skylite. Spearmint is pretty self-explanatory, it was green and minty. I did not like it. I go for skylite- it is a lovely blue that turns your whole mouth the same color, and tastes like a mix of vanilla and blue raspberry. 

I think this was probably an early example in my life, but I've realized I am a very different kind of person than my family members. We are all unique, and I think realizing this is true of each of our stories in some way. I feel like we have to reckon with that as we figure out what our path looks like versus what those closest to us might choose in our situation. And honestly, I don't think I realize how hard that is. Separating and really listening to yourself outside of the opinions are expectations of others and that you've even put on yourself without realizing it to live up to a certain way.

So in a world that wants everyone to look like spearmint, figure out what it looks like for you to be your flavor. And go for it! We need your flavor. 

Patience and a Gentle Tongue

This morning I read Proverbs 25:15 which says:

"Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone."

I had two conversations today that seemed to show both sides of this verse. One where I was on the receiving end of somebody's opinions and observations, and one where I was on the giving end.

The first was me on the giving end. I was talking with someone I value and trust, and they didn't necessarily accept or agree with the opinions and thoughts I presented. They're really good at playing devil's advocate, and asking good questions. I'm not sure if this is just something that I appreciate, but I feel like seeing something from all the sides helps me understand it better and think through it more fully. Atleast when I'm in the right mood to hear it and approach it knowing I don't have all the answers... which I understand is not always the temperament we/I approach things with. As a result I feel like I was able to be patient in the conversation and talk about things calmly and with a gentle tongue. It went well and we were able to see things from other perspectives and work them out more in depth. I'm still taking those words to heart and considering them in my decisions. I don't know that I changed their opinion, but I'm okay with that because the conversation helped me grow and have broader perspective. I have more to consider a d feel like my final decision will be more well rounded.

In the other conversation, I was on the receiving end. Someone was expressing their thoughts and opinions to me, and in order for me to understand and take it in, I was asking a lot of questions. To fully understand and form opinions I like to see things from all sides. None of it was malicious or with any endgame result in mind other than fully being able to understand and comprehend the situation. However I was met with surprising anger and frustration about me not being on the same page and seeing it the same way. Not being able to work through it with patience and gentle words made the experience unpleasant. The conversation was shut down because I was not at the same place as the other person. It surprised me, because I was still working through things and had more questions. It makes me less likely to want to have conversations and ask questions. It makes me feel like I need to feel wrong or guilty for not immediately being where someone else is, even though I know that is not accurate.

Funny how life and scripture team up to be a powerful teacher. Seeing this first hand, I hope to be more patient and gentle when I am met with different opinions and situations. The fruit seems to be much fuller.

Getting your ducks in a row...

This is Dawdle. Dawdle Duck is his full name. He is so photogenic and belongs to my sister's "Funky Flock". 

It's funny I got to see him today because the phrase that I felt over the day was "get your ducks in a row". 

We spent the evening eating dinner and watching the ducks and chickens run around. Let me tell you, it would be no small feat to get ducks in a row. They seem to do it much better when they're babies, but as adults they are hilarious and not the most coordinated creatures. 

What I realized about getting my "ducks" in a row is that you have to start that process some time prior to when you actually want them in order. It's kind of like the taking the next step and finding the next trail blaze mentality. Rome wasn't built in a day, so when you feel the pull to do something big, obey the smaller pulls to start getting the smaller things in order that will make that big thing happen. When God puts these smaller things on my mind, I am going to go for them because they are part of making the bigger thing happen.

Some more of the Funky Flock for your viewing pleasure...

This is Cheeks. She is cross-beaked.

This is Louisa.

This is Scoops.

And here's some more of the gang...

Dream Job but... Gameshow

Come on down! Welcome to this new game show, we offer you dream scenarios but there is a stipulation and you have to decide if you will accept it or not. Dream job but...fill in a stipulation. I am sure this is some kind of game people play. Life and decisions seem so much easier inside a game or in a vacuum. Where the decisions you make don't really affect anyone and you can just choose what you want, no side effects. But alas, that is not how life works, and if it did, it would probably be pretty boring. 

Right now I am considering what seems like such a perfect fit opportunity, but I have to leave everything and everyone that has been my life behind. I have done it for a short time before, but this would be somewhat more permanent. Yes, I know this is a parable, or like two combined into one. These decisions just seem so hard. (Note to self: go reread the trail blazes post about just going to the next blaze and not looking for one 25 blazes ahead) 

I am grateful for a coaching session that helped me come up with a framework ahead of time in order to be able to judge opportunities with more objectivity on a value system I had pre-established. What I underestimated is how strong the gravitational pull of some things can be like the known, comfort, friends, family, etc. Until you are faced with things, you don't always know how deeply they have rooted into you. But for now, I will commit it to prayer, listening, and taking the next step. 

Look for the Helpers...

This is a famous quote from Fred Rogers' mother. It goes,"My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

Today I happened to be looking out my front window for a brief minute when I saw a man walking down the sidewalk. He couldn't see me. I watched as a plastic bag blew right into his ankle, and instead of ignoring it and continuing on, he stopped, picked it up, and proceeded to put it into his pocket. It was something so incredibly simple yet it really touched me. No matter how crazy things may seem, there are even the smallest most minute ways to help if you look for them. He did not do this be noticed or draw attention to himself, simply because that was the right thing to do.

A lot of times I think we imagine needing to do something big and extravagant to be a helper, but we don't. We just need to do the simplest of things that show love and concern. 

The other thing I found to be true about the helpers, is often times there are people who want to help and don't know how. In planning a special event for a friend, what I found is people wanted to do something nice, but did not know how to go about that. They just needed a little framework and an invitation. So sometimes, our role is setting up something that enables others to help. Our helping begets helping begets helping. 

So in these crazy times, look for the helpers, be the helpers, and help show others how to be helpers.

Holy Spirit Trail Blazes

I have been hiking a lot more during the pandemic. I really like it, I love getting out into nature and being surrounded by trees like I mentioned before. My fear usually is that I will get lost... So conveniently a lot of trails have these little squares painted on trees, which are called trail blazes. They mark the trail so that you can follow it, and they have different symbols for when the trail turns directions to make you aware. 

I took a picture of these blazes today. I tried to hike the same trail about a month ago. I had done it before but in the opposite direction. So this time I was doing the loop in reverse. When I tried to do it a couple months ago, I got completely lost. I thought I knew what I was doing, and I followed a trail that I thought looked familiar without paying attention to the blazes. It kind of dead ended and I had no idea where I was. So I had to turn around and go out the way that I came. 

Today, I went for it again. The same reverse route. But where I got off course last time, I looked up and realized it was clearly marked on the trees. I needed to turn a little left where I went straight the time before. I walked that trail and followed those blazes, and let me tell you, walking in reverse and trusting my memory was nothing like what I thought the trail was. 

Luckily, the blazes are spaced far enough apart that you can keep following, and when there's a change in direction it's clearly noted. You can't see a blaze that's a mile ahead on the trail, and who knows how many times you will turn before you get to that point. Knowing where that blaze is, but not knowing where the next 10 in front of you are is not of any help. You need to just follow the next blaze that is ahead of you. Once you get there, look for the next blaze. Keep going step by step, blaze by blaze.

What I realized is this is perfectly analogous to my walk with God right now. I just need to take the next step that's in front of me. A lot of times I think we want to know where the "big moment" blazes are, a mile or two out. But knowing that doesn't help us get there. In fact, it makes me a little more anxious thinking of all the things that have to get done to get there. 

What we need is the next blaze, and then the next blaze, so that we can get to the big moment without getting lost and without missing a step. Sure, there's a chance we might be able to just create our own trail through the woods towards that marker. But that takes us through a lot harder terrain that isn't marked, and with the potential to get even more lost and then not know how to get back. 

God has laid out a unique trail for us that makes sense and takes us through the things we need at elevation changes that work for us specifically. The Holy Spirit is like the blazes along the way, showing us what the next step is and then the next step. So embrace your trail, and follow your blazes, one step at a time! 

The Actual Picture

Today I sat in one of my favorite local places. It is a historic site which has been turned into a National Park. There are preserved slave houses and it is part of the history they share and tell on the tours. I have attended special events and want to understand. I come and walk the grounds often, but today I sat and had a breakfast picnic. 

As I sat there, I tried to apply and take to heart the history of our black brothers and sisters that I have been trying to more deeply learn and empathize with. I want to get outside my sphere of understanding and see more sides to the story that has been told. History is such a weird thing, as we often paint it with a broad brush. We hear the "winners" side and the rest of the story gets lost. Not all people on one side are bad nor do they all have evil motives- and not all people on the other side are good, nor do they all have pure motives. I am so glad I am not the one to judge people.

I appreciate places like this that try to tell the whole story- they have been met with resistance, but I think the most important thing we can do is tell every side. To seek to teach so that others can understand the whole picture. To not dismiss a point of view because it does not line up with the pretty picture we want to imagine. What I hope moving forwards is that I do not accept the pretty picture of history, and miss out on understanding others life experiences and mistreatment in the ordeal. Hoping to learn and grow.

Yoke Lifts!

So I am on an oxen kick apparently. Today it is dealing with the yoke that is usually put upon them to get work done. One of my prayers during quarantine has been putting the yoke I create for myself back on him and trusting Jesus with the burden. I tend to create a yoke that I was not meant to carry by adding things I need to figure out and make happen on my own. Matthew 11:29-30 says

" Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Where I try to muscle through and wear myself out, I am practicing giving that back. Today I had a moment where I realized it happening and was so grateful. My mastermind scheduling was hitting a dead end on the small windows of time I had to get things done. As I kept praying over them and giving them to God this week, instead of trying to manipulate and figure out on my own, He opened the perfect window of opportunity. Better than I could have even anticipated. 

He is so kind and so sweet- but it takes discipline and continually giving up my agenda, schedule, and control. Like he says, the yoke is much easier and I feel filled with so much more joy. I also like the idea of this like a gym workout- ha- keeping the muscles strong by lifting it to him each time I take it back.

Ms Independent

Independence is something that is revered here. Being able to do it all on your own- get it done- push through- not need anyone. I think it is something I have strived for and found pride and identity in. Not being too weak that I am unable to move things around on my own... not needing help to keep everything running... the list goes on. As I realize there is something I am not equipped to manage, I work on finding a way to muscle through and figure it out.

Being a hard-worker is simultaneously a good thing, but also I think it can cause us to miss out on a more full experience. I am able to accomplish a lot on my own, but it is incomplete. I bypass the messiness of other's opinions, but also the richness of added insight and ideas that may be better. I get it done, but it takes twice as long and I am way more tired. It reminds me of Proverbs 14:4 which says," Without oxen a stable stays clean, but you need a strong ox for a large harvest."

Independence may be cleaner, but you only get a tiny harvest. The presence of ox and others may be messy, but it is so much richer. I want to embrace that messiness more instead of trying to take the easy path. I tend to avoid hard situations or neediness, but I think I am really missing out doing life that way. Working on becoming more of a Ms. Dependent!

The Neuralyzer

In case you do not know what that word is, it is the top secret device used in Men in Black which emits the white flash and erases people's memory. I have always loved being outdoors, but the times we are in now between quarantine and some things reopening, have really driven me to nature. I have no desire to go in a store or restaurant for now. My favorite thing has been the increased number of walks and the ability to socialize for free by going on a hike or walk with others. Or by myself.

My friend the other day verbalized my exact thoughts about being in the woods, it is so calming. There is something about simply stepping into the forest from the world that brings an immediate calmness and feeling of peace. I have no idea why, but it reminds me of the Neuralyzer. When I am there, its like my mind is erased of the negative aspect of things that were burdening me or weighing me down. I have more clarity thinking through situations and the weight just feels lifted.

I am so grateful for parks and woods during this time (and always) to be able to run to and be reminded of my own smallness. To be reminded of the greater narrative happening all around me. My neuralyzer.

Be a sugar packet

Sweet tea. Very popular in the south, and very well made by McDonald's. But the problem is, I have come to like unsweet tea. So I ordered my unsweet from McDonald's, but turns out they gave me sweet. Sigh. 

The solution to making it taste less sweet was mixing it with a huge pitcher I had in the fridge. You want to know what happened though? It made the whole pitcher taste really sweet! When you have gotten used to plain tea, a little sugar goes a long way. 

This simple fact is sad but true in the world today. We have gotten so used to living in a way that is pretty bland and bitter. One where we need to be self-reliant and make everything happen on our own. We don't pay attention to others and their struggles because we feel like we don't need them. But this darkness we are in also sets up the perfect "pitcher" for the smallest amounts of sweetness and hope. A small kind act goes a long way during times like now. So let yourself be a sugar packet and find a way to sweeten even one person's day.

Junkyard Forest

A rhythm I've become more disciplined with during quarantine has been a Sunday prayer walk in the woods. It helps bring calmness and peace in me. I usually go to the same park, and walk similar trails. Sometimes I check out something new I stumble across, but I have walked most of them before. The main thing that changes is the seasons.

I remember the first time I walked this  path a few years back and came across this old, falling apart car. It seemed so weird to just be in the middle of the woods, you can see the frame, you can even see some of the blue paint. I love old things so I thought it was so cool!

Recently I've taken to a new trail and I have walked that most of quarantine. Today I was walking it, and I saw probably four or five car skeletons. Just sitting in the woods! I have walked past there so many times and I have never noticed them. It's blowing my mind that they have been there this whole time and I have not noticed.

There is so much peace being in nature and looking at the trees and what's going on, that apparently I missed this junkyard forest going on around me. The juxtaposition of an old man-made creation being overtaken by the lush green vegetation is beautiful. I like the image that gives me about my relationship with God. 

Nature keeps going and keeps growing. We have acted on our own desires a d made choices outside of Him, you know man-made. These decisions are part of our forest, but the work He's doing is so much greater. It overpowers and overshadows the things of the past. There's a restoration, and he doesn't let those define us. They are part of our forest and they make us unique, but they're not strong enough or big enough to thwart his master plan. 

So now I will be reminded that I am a junkyard forest too as I stumble across them in the future.

The Water Cycle

That bad boy is my job! Literally... as a storm water engineer, the water cycle keeps me employed. Much obliged. But something about the water cycle and my faith clicked this week.  I was running along a trail and there was one of those beautiful rock boulder walls along the side. This trail used to be a rail line so it has those walls of rock outcroppings that grow over with moss and have water coming down in little falls depending on how recently it rained. It was quite lovely and captured my attention.

It took be back to a book I have read a couple times called "Hind's Feet in High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. The water is described so beautifully and with a song that all the droplets sing together as they perfectly flow. (Water Song) Taking in the mini falls and having that memory come to mind, made me see we are all like water droplets. Part of a bigger cycle and system because water that is alive is moving. In life we are moving forward with time. Sometimes our role as a droplet is to become part of something growing and be taken up by a tree. We are a part of for a while, until respirated out, and continue on our journey. That gave me peace because it is okay to stay where you are sometimes and then there is a time to be released, and move on to the next part of the cycle.

A droplet can do so much on its own, but they are stronger together and can be a truly magnificent force. They go through so many places as part of the cycle, and do it over and over again. How lovely to think of the single droplet and its purpose. 

I took a walk

It is the same walk I have been taking every morning during my quarantine work week. I start the day with a lap around the block praying for the day. The only difference today was that Tuesday I did that walk barefoot.

It was not intentional, but more just from a place of defeat. My morning had an abrupt start when my car geek neighbor decided to (obnoxiously I feel...) work on his motorcycle at 6:30 am, so the sounds of a weak motor started my day (imagine hammering type sound every couple minutes). Then as I was preparing my iced coffee, the glass pitcher fell out of the fridge and broke, spilling coffee and glass shards all around my feet. The "early" head start Mr. Motorcycle had given me was spent with a trash bag, paper towels, and a broom. Which really worked to magnify the Cinderella-type house-working feelings that are apparently bubbling deep within me. Then the morning routine was thrown off as my roommate came up and started using the kitchen (which is fine, it is just the only day that has happened in weeks so it through my morning routine off) so I defeatedly grabbed what was unspilled of my coffee and headed outside without shoes. It was the perfect storm of a morning.

I just went for it, barefoot. While I do love being barefoot, this was not about enjoyment purposes. What I found as I walked without shoes is that you walk slower and more deliberately. Pretty much every step is calculated and felt. You pay much more attention to what lies ahead and what could go wrong. Whereas with my shoes on every other morning, I feel far more protected. I just go for it, I am not looking for small pieces of glass or stones along the way. Even the way my foot strikes the ground is different. Which lines up, because when I have on field boots, I feel pretty invincible.

While I am not in a position to personally speak to this, what I am doing is trying understand and learn. From my friends and trusted voices I have been seeking out during the past months and Blackout Tuesday, it seems the barefoot walk is one my brothers and sisters of color make everyday. They don't have the luxury of feeling protected and like they can go where they want at the speed they want. They need to be careful, thoughtful, and deliberate in their steps and in route. Even walking the same route, they are more aware of the danger that does not hold the shoed foot back. And this revelation is something I want to hold and respect about our journeys in all my interactions.

Little Black Square

Today many people posted a picture of a black square on their social media. It's to stand in solidarityrl with the murder of George Floyd. While I support outrage of this being wrong, I struggled with the idea of posting one myself. To just post a picture of a small back square seems like putting a Band-Aid on a festering wound that needs desperate medical attention. I see that it brought attention to many though, so that is a good thing. 

To me posting feels like trying to cover up and heal something without spending any time on the root cause. So my hope is that these little back squares aren't the full momentum of everyone's action, and that they represent a stepping stone towards researching, learning, listening, and building connections that will influence real change. My hope is that these are not the end. 

Abundance

This is a word I am working on. I love abundance, but the abundance I love is usually one I create. As I meditate on this word, what I have realized is I am far less of a fan of trusting in God's abundance. I think I know what I want or what I will want in the future, and I like to provide plenty of it so as not to run out. Easy access to craft supplies, project materials, ingredients, clothes, etc. Even if I am getting them on sale or secondhand, that is alot of effort, time, money, and space put into creating a safety net of abundance around me so as not to feel the squeeze of 'not enough'.  I plan to keep enough so I won't be in need and I see people using or taking my stuff as a threat to my calculated abundance.

What I have been coming to notice is it is of fear and not trusting God (at least for me). Instead of believing the smaller amount will be enough and letting God meet me with the rest, I push Him out of the equation. Instead of freely giving as someone asks, I question how my giving will impact my future supplies. What I have been realizing in quarantine as I step back from the ability to provide exactly what I want or need, is there is room for creativity. In the lack of everything I think I want, I have way more than enough. I buy far more than I need out of a desire to control my circumstances. It is so silly, everything I have came from Him in the first place. He has already given me abundantly, but I stole the credit and took away my own resources by spending too much on myself.

So this is me letting you know, I have been working on my attitude of trust and giving out of the desire to trust God and his abundance; believing He will provide everything I need, not myself.

Provision

Provision. I've been really convicted this week on how I don't live a life that trusts in God's provision. I hoard little things and cast judgmental glances when it seems like something I've accounted for is being used up. It's all some illusion of control I seek after and fulfill in self-made abundance. 

Being in quarantine has helped me realize that some of the best things come from my lack of abundance. It does not mean God's provision is lacking. He has given me abundantly everything that I need. I just try to supplement it with the things that I think I need. Lack of the abundance I desire produces creativity... It produces gratefulness... It leads to problem solving... And delight in new ways and recipes. 

What seems like lack to me, is my distrust in God's provision by seeking to be God in my life by providing all my needs. 

Dying does not equal Heaven

I have a hot take here. I know the heart behind it is to bring peace and help deal with grieving, but saying someone is in heaven when they are not is not helping.

I wrestled with this alot between school shootings and a friend being killed,  knowing they did not all have faith. When held accountable before the Lord, He doesn't look at the list of good things, He demands payment for your sinfulness (which we all have). Nothing but belief in Jesus and his blood will cover it. 

It sucks, but not all of them are in heaven. That is a hard pill to swallow . To act like they are cheapens God and his justice system. It warps our understanding of heaven and eternity . To act like they are in heaven numbs me to the reality that anyone I have a relationship needs the to know the truth about their sinfulness and need for Jesus.

I will be accountable one day for the time I was blessed to spend with them and how I used it. Was it pointing them to truth and eternity at some point? Or was it spent in a comfort zone of meaningless things in the realm of eternity? They will be accountable before God for their heart. 

But just because someone dies, does not mean they go to heaven, and that is rough. 

Memorial Day

This is a thought I have been having recently and Memorial Day seemed like a good day to present it. I read through David's life in the Bible this spring... he was a soldier, a fighter, a leader, and a victor. The women used to sing, "Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands," in 1 Samuel 18:7. He was also artistic, musical, creative, and danced in the streets. He led men that were loyal and kept fighting for him their whole lives.

I have also recently been reading and watching documentaries about World War 2- where many fought and were killed. We honor them this Memorial Day; seeing the horrors of the war adds more emphasis to their sacrifice and it saved many. I cannot imagine living through that time.

What I know, is many soldiers suffered a lot from what they saw and war changed them. As I feel it would any person who experiences it. I am just curious if the hand-to-hand style combat of David's time had different psychological impacts than the machine warfare of the modern age? Or if no matter what the time period, there are people who are career soldiers, and those who step up when they are called? No matter what, war will change a person, but especially more so those who step up in a needed time, but that is not their passion.

Thank you to all who have stepped up and paid the ultimate price. You are so brave- you fought and gave it all for what you believe. Thank you.

The Head is not in line with the Heart...

What I know is God created and owns everything. What my actions and habits show, is that I do not trust him. My heart is not aligned with my brain. I do not believe in his abundance. I have way more of a tendency to store up instead of empty out. I'm not even guaranteed tomorrow, but my actions declare a desire for security over a lifestyle of trust. Here's to stepping out on an adventure to cultivate trust in God's abundance. 

The Beautiful Temple

I have been reading the Bible chronologically this year, and have recently been in the book of 1 Kings. I have been awed by the process of the temple being built. It is something I honestly never paid the closest attention to, but a trip to Israel in August (that was cancelled by Corona) has made me more in tune with locations of actual events and buildings.

Today I was reading 1Kings 5-6 in which Solomon is building the temple. The temple is to be the first permanent home of the Lord. 

What I am struck by is how the actual temple was built in comparisson to how we, the new temple are built. It is so similar and so beautiful. The temple location was a place where David came face to face with the reality and gravity of his sin. The temple location was bought because it was the threshing floor where the angel of the Lord was exacting the penalty of his sin; conducting a census. David chose the plague as punishment, but God met him here and agreed to end it. He had to buy this place and God told him it would be the location of the temple. 

The symbolism of a threshing floor is so perfect. A place where wheat (us) is tossed into the air so the usable part falls, and the rest blows away. It is the truth of us coming face to face with our sin, and choosing God.  It is the first step. Are we the wheat or the chaff?

At this location where we have been threshed, God builds his temple. It was not just enough to admit and repent our sin, but then there comes a building and refining process. 

Solomon builds a magnificent temple in this place. He uses materials David had saved as well as wood from Tyre and the workmanship of a skilled craftsmen. This is what is so true of the new temple being built. He builds on our foundation from the time we are accepted on the threshing floor into something beautiful. As the walls are coated in gold, a refining process is occuring on site within is. Removing the dross is part of the beautiful process that is being performed. 

And when Solomon finished... And the old temple was built, it was something magnificent to behold. That is what is happening in us through our lives. You are being transformed into a beautiful temple.

Elements of Life

Have you ever realized that all living things are is a combination of light, water, and coding? At our most basic we are all light- plants are at the bottom of every food chain and they use their genetic coding to turn light and water into food and beauty. That makes God the greatest coder of all time- the original. 

 When I think of life I also think of warmth as an element. Things that are alive have light, water, and warmth. 

Strawberries

Weber's Farm has grown the best strawberries my father and I have ever tasted this year. They are perfectly sweet and flavored, bright red, and delicious. My dad crushed an entire quart in less than a day. I tried to pace myself a little more by cutting them up and refrigerating. But nothing beats them fresh and right out of the carton.

Freshly picked fruits and vegetables are the best. So much better than the ones they pick while they are still not ripe and ship so we can enjoy them. The flavors and sweetness are just different. I realized this in all my travels... having fresh picked and squeezed orange juice in Brazil. Nothing compares. Then having fresh pineapple from Uganda... amazing. And then fresh coconut water in Puerto Rico... my word. These things are so so good.

I wonder how many fruits and vegetables have gone extinct before anyone even kept track. How many sweet things there will be to taste and enjoy when the earth is restored. How exciting!

Simplification

Being in Covid quarantine has made me realize the sweet blessing of simplification. Simplification in where my time is spent... in how many things I need to have... in my clothing choices... I realize the fact that I am at all in a position to have these luxuries says a lot about how blessed I am and that I am not making the difficult choices others around the world are dealing with simply to keep from starving.

Looking back over different stages of my life, I can honestly say I have been the happiest and most fulfilled when my living situation was one of simplification. I think back to college, being a camp counselor, and as an intern in a different state. In all these situations I had some choice things that I owned, but was not burdened by a plethora of "things" I had to maintain. I was not worried about where my food was coming from. The richness of those times was in the relationships I was able to form and that I was surrounded by because of the simplification in the other areas.

What I have seen these past weeks is when I let go of the fear of needing to control how my needs are going to be met and open up my schedule, I am once again in a sweet time of simplification. The turning down the volume of the "have this and do everything" voice we have in our ear has allowed my to be in tune with and hear so much more around me. Sounds and conversations that are usually sacrificed to the busy are being heard and happening. Relationships are deepening and coming back at the center. As I enter into my own simplification, I am awed by God.

Jesus, Engineer and Tree Expert

I have been laying, looking up at trees a lot this week. Sounds weird I know... A majority of those times have been the result of being in a hammock though. One time was the result of being tired after working all week, then immediately mowing the lawn and needing a break. I just laid down on the driveway staring up at the tree branches and started thinking, I wonder if Jesus ever did this while he was having moments alone in the garden with God. 

It must be so cool to look up at something you made the design plans for. That you engineered together and see it functioning in all its glory and magnificence. We learned the biology of a tree in college, how water and nutrients flow. It is so impressive. As an engineer, I stare at the branches and marvel at how far they can grow and still be strong and stable. Even strong enough to support the weight of by body in a hammock. They are an engineering feat, and they grow that way by design. 

How unique and special for creator and designer to enter his creation not just as an observer, but in reality and fullness. To eat from trees, use them as important lessons, and be ultimately be hung on one. 

to give is better than to receive

I know it shouldn't take a worldwide pandemic and hundreds of thousands of lives lost to have these most basic of revelations... But giving really is the sweetest of things. To realize I have way too much and all I have is a gift. The time that I live in, that I can even have a job, and the luxuries I have; all a gift. 

To sit here and realize I have far too much and no need to go around buying more "stuff" for myself... To be cut off from some of the routines that cause frivolous spending... And to see what joy it is in bringing gifts and tokens of appreciation to others. The return is far better than the money and time put in. 

I hope I don't forget this. Especially as things start to shift back to "usual" and as our team participated in the World Vision global 6k today for those that don't even have the basic provision of clean water.

Help me be less selfish with the blessings you've given me. 

Friday!

Friday!  It is so weird how great Friday feels. The moment I shut the work station down, I feel so free. It is completely unlike any other day of the week. The stress of not having anything the next day is like floating away on a balloon. I can breathe a little deeper, think a little clearer, and relax. It is the giant exhale of the week. Even though I do a lot of things Saturday, it is just refreshing.

We are MADE to eat Relationships

I have been part of this AMAZING group of individuals on Thursday nights via Zoom. They are located all over the USA and Canada. They are strong, passionate leaders... who are growth-oriented and curious. We occasionally have guest speakers, and tonight we had the legend Chip Dodd. I have PAGES of notes from his ~30 minutes of sharing. But what really rang most true to me, is how we are made to eat relationships. How trees and plants thrive with nutrients, warmth, water, and soil- humans thrive on relationships. It is so true about me. My biggest hurts come when I feel like relationships are off and not quite right. And honestly, usually it is me who is broken. Healthy relationships, sharing hopes, dreams, feelings, and life- they feed my soul and make me feel loved and in community. Anyone else!? He helped teach me how to be a healthier version of myself so I can be healthier at "eating".

Storytelling Life

Life with and alongside people is telling the same story, over and over again. I realized that today as I was catching up with a friend. Friendship and life is telling your people about your life over and over again. It is telling the same story. Sometimes once I tell it once to one friend, I feel like telling it again is redundant. But if I am to keep everyone in the loop- I need to tell the story again and again. I always want to hear their stories and would be robbed of a piece of their life if they stopped telling it. I am grateful for the people and the small loop that wants to listen to my stories, and that I get to hear their stories.

But also it is a good reminder to make your story a good one!

Both and...

The last two weeks I have been mulling over this idea that Oswald Chambers calls out in his devotional "My Utmost for His Highest". The idea that kept repeating is spontaneity and how love is spontaneous. (Here is the link to one of them: Spontaneous Love) The definition of spontaneous (adjective) is as follows:

1. performed or occurring as a result of a sudden inner impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus

It was pretty convicting as I realized I have gotten more into the habit of planning my 'fun' and 'loving' times around my own schedule, attitude, and feelings. Instead of letting them happen naturally, I was eliminating spontaneity with the goal of manufacturing a time for a feeling and a vibe. Ew! That is so gross! It is the opposite of loving; it is forced, can be fake, and is probably hurtful to those on the receiving end. In order to make sure it was there, instead of letting it happen spontaneously, I tried to control it and force it to occur within a certain window. 

That takes away so much of the beauty of love. I am not saying it is not good to set aside intentional times with God and our loved ones, just that those times should not be the only source of them receiving love and attention from us. They need to know they are loved outside of just those scheduled moments. And it hit me, we simultaneously need to be disciplined in order to be spontaneous. A 'both and' situation. The definition of disciplined (adjective) is as follows:

1. showing a controlled form of behavior or way of working.

They are opposites so it seems so counterintuitive that both need to work together. I can be at either extreme, but to hold both simultaneously seems so strange. The quotes from the devotional this morning that made that ring clear were, 

"The right thing to do with godly habits is to immerse them in the life of the Lord until they become such a spontaneous expression of our lives that we are no longer aware of them...Your god may be your little Christian habit— the habit of prayer or Bible reading at certain times of your day. Watch how your Father will upset your schedule if you begin to worship your habit instead of what the habit symbolizes...Love means that there are no visible habits— that your habits are so immersed in the Lord that you practice them without realizing it." 

In order for us to love spontaneously, we need to practice the discipline of healthy habits. Habits that cannot become our own god or justification in themselves, but that are crucial to our growth. Habits that become part of who we are. We need to be spontaneous in how we feel and respond in love, but also have a lifestyle formed by discipline and habits that helps us be able to go deeper in relationship. Those disciplines and habits cannot become our god, causing us to write off and avoid spontaneity because we have to give up or control. It is both and, like God. Alpha AND Omega. Beginning AND end. Here's to balance!